As with last year, and perhaps always, this year has been hard due to the absence of my mum. That’s something I slowly get used to, but will never get over. However, there have been some positive things happen and I’ve done some things that I’m proud of, so here, in list form, are some of the things I’ve done/achieved in the last 12 months (in no particular order):

Bought a new 2-bedroomed flat
Passed my PhD viva
Had my first peer-reviewed publication accepted (book chapter)
Run 2 half marathons
Taught 4 new courses at 2 different universities
Been to 3 different countries (4 if you count Scotland!)
Made many new friends with wonderful people through work, sport and hobbies.

Again, in no particular order, here are some other things that have happened this year that don’t really fall under the ‘accomplishment’ heading, but have had an effect on me (some big, some small) in one way or another:

The death of my grandmother
Breaking a finger (one of my own!)
Changing softball teams

And finally, here are some things that I hope I’ll be written on my ‘accomplished’ list this time next year!

Got the medical all clear
Had a journal article accepted
Improved my batting average (not a euphemism!)
Met the love of my life (… or at least met one that feels the same way back!)
Had my bathroom re-done
Re-learnt to ride my bike
Made more new friends, and spent many good times with existing ones!

I’ve started working on some of these already, and some of them are out of my hands, but it will be interesting to see where I have got to in a year’s time…

You Must Forgive Me
by Albert Lymer.

You must forgive me, I cannot choose but stare
Your eyes hold mine though yours look otherwhere
Yet when they turn to mine to find me watching thee
For that sweet blush of think you must forgive me

You must forgive me, your name I love to hear
and when it sounds I turn, though you’re not near
and gaze at he whose voice has merely mentioned thee
and if I then rejoice, you must forgive me

You must forgive me, I cannot love you less
and all my care and overthoughtfulness
if to your eyes seem wrong, estreem as love for thee
when, for this poor love song, you may forgive me.

When I was studying for my MA, I looked up to the woman who taught the pragmatics component. I saw her as clever, successful and doing exactly what I wanted to do. I remember thinking how lucky she was, and that if I could end up doing that, I’d be so happy. I’d look at her job title of ‘Postdoctural Research Fellow’, and think how impressive it sounded.

I’m now teaching those courses. I don’t feel anywhere near as clever or successful as I would.

When I was around 13 or 14, I remember watching the film ‘Romancing the Stone’. I can clearly remember the scenes where Kathleen Turner’s character is in her Manhatten apartment. I remember thinking that one day I wanted to have my own apartment like that. I don’t know why that film, that character or that apartment stuck in my mind, but it did.

Two weeks ago I moved into my very own 2-bedroom flat in north London. It feels good, but I don’t feel anywhere as grown up, sophisticated or in control of my life, as the 13 year old me imagined I would.

So, it all makes me think about what we want, and what we think we want. Perhaps we need to think that these things will makes us happy, otherwise we’d just stagnate, and once we get them, we have to think that it’s something else that we need or want, to drive us on further. Or, is that just me? Do other people settle for less, or do they achieve their goals and feel happiness… or at least contentment?

It seems like a good time to reflect on the process, and take a second to think about what I’ve done over the last 12 weeks and what I have to do next week.

According to my log book, I’ve clocked up 228 miles during the 11 weeks I’ve been training, which at my (slow but steady pace) is around 38 hours of plodding.

I’ve left parties early so that I can run the next day (..and a couple of times, not managed quite early enough and had to run with a hangover).  I’ve run through wind, ice and rain.  A particular 10 milers in the pouring rain particularly sticks in my mind.  I’ve slogged it out on the treadmills in the gym for speed sessions, and dodged puddles, cyclists and dogs up and down the river.

And so it comes to this:  13.1 miles around Hastings on the 20th March 2011.

Why am I doing this?  Partly it’s to motivate me to keep fit.  I find that when I’m fit and running I feel physically and mentally stronger in so many ways.  There is also a real sense of achievement when setting out on a long run, or a particularly tough speed session, and managing to complete it as planned.  Of course, it is also  partly to raise money for Ovarian Cancer Action.

I’m really grateful to those who have sponsored me already.  Each donation, however small, makes a difference.  However, half of the fight against Ovarian Cancer is raising awareness.  So make sure you know what the symptoms are, and pass on the message to all and every woman you know.  Recognising the symptoms, and acting fast really does save lives.

You can sponsor me here.  Or you can just look at my lovely new running top.

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• I’m moving into my bigger flat!  (Very exciting, if a little stressful).  An excuse for lots of parties!
• I’ll be running my 4th half marathon in aid of Ovarian Cancer Action on the 20th March
• A trip to Poland to present at a conference, and meeting up with lots of lovely people (old and new) whilst I’m there.
• A visit from my good friend Catherine, over from Boston, en route to said conference.
• Two indoor softball sessions.  Indoor softball makes me happy.
• The end of the teaching term (although that still seems a long old way away)
• Lighter evenings and brighter mornings.
• …and who knows what other surprises!

Happy March everyone!

To mark this occasion, BBC Radio 7 repeated a tribute show recorded shortly after her death in which excerpts from her work were read by friends and colleagues.  It’ll only be available for the next week, but I fully recommend a listen, if you have a spare half hour.

Apart from her huge comedy talent, perfect timing and delivery, there are various personal things that draw me to Linda Smith.  She grew up only a few miles from my home town, and attended the local college.

She was closely involved with the British Humanist Association, and requested a humanist funeral.

And, perhaps most poignantly, she died from the same illness that took my mother a year and a half ago.

March is Ovarian Cancer Awareness month.  So, make sure you and all the women you know, know the symptoms to look out for.

I’m running the Hastings Half Marathon in 3 weeks time in aid of Ovarian Cancer Awareness.  Sponsors can donate via my mum’s Love Women Tribute fund.

What has happened since I last posted?

I finished my PhD thesis and passed my viva in October.  With barely any time to celebrate, I then launched myself straight into a year of academic teaching at UCL and Middlesex Universities.  I’ve been teaching pragmatics (my main subject) at UCL, and general linguistics/communications skills at Middlesex.  It’s been lots of fun, but I don’t think I’ve ever worked as hard before in my life.

I really enjoy teaching, and I think I’m pretty good at it (although we all have lessons that don’t go so well), but the sheer volume that I’ve taken on this year (for experience and financial reasons) has taken its toll on me.

Three days ago I finally exchanged contracts on the sale of my flat and purchase of another.  It’s just down the road from my current place, but is much bigger.  I’ve been fairly happy in my little studio flat, but with the sale of my mum’s house, it was definitely time to upgrade.  Once again, it hasn’t been a smooth road.  I’ve had two buyers pull out on me, and my relationship with the estate agent ‘sales progressor’ has been far from stress free, but we’ve almost made it.

I’m once again training for the Hastings Half Marathon in about a month’s time.  I’m still climbing and playing softball (although there was a brief hiatus whilst I nursed a broken finger at the end of last year.  I’ve decided to change softball teams for the 2011 season, and so for this summer at least, I will be a Tecumseh, rather than a loan wolf.  It was a difficult decision to make, but I think it’s for the best.

So that’s around 9 months of my life summed up in a few paragraphs.  I will make more effort to update on a more regular basis from now on…. assuming interesting things happen!

All state-funded schools should:

1. Operate admissions policies that take no account of pupils’ – or their parents’ – religion or beliefs.

2. Operate recruitment and employment policies that do not discriminate on the grounds of religion or belief.

3. Follow an objective, fair and balanced syllabus for education about religious and non-religious beliefs – whether determined by their local authority or by any future national syllabus or curriculum for RE.

4. Be made accountable under a single inspection regime for RE, Personal, Social & Health Education (PSHE) and Citizenship.

5. Provide their pupils with inclusive, inspiring and stimulating assemblies in place of compulsory acts of worship.

As well as discussing general issues relating to the state-funding of faith schools, he debunked several myths that are often raised in their defence.  For example, whilst some faith schools may produce very good results, this is skewed by their admissions policies.  If they draw on a certain demographic, they may get better than average results.  This leads to over-subscription, which, in turn allows them to be even more selective (both in terms of the pupils they take and the teachers they employ) and so standards go up…and so on…

Currently faith-schools need only contribute 10% of the capital costs of a school, and yet they yield huge influence when it comes to how the school is run.  The presentation also highlighted the dangers of segregating children based on the religion of their parents, in terms of social understanding and cohesion, and talked about the importance of ensuring that all children receive clear and balanced sex and personal development education.

Currently one-third of the state-funded schools in England and Wales are faith-based.

You can sign up to show support or get involved on the Accord website.

This all adds to my feelings that religion and faith should remain a private matter, and the discussion reminded me of something that came up at the conference I attended a week or so ago.   I had not before realised that hospital chaplains are funded by the NHS.  Given my recent experience, I can’t help thinking that that money would be better spent on more general counsellors who can cater to patients and relatives regardless of religion.  By all means allow religious officials to work in hospitals, but have them funded by the religious institutions themselves.

I’d taken a bit more of an organised (obsessive?) approach to my training this time – following this intermediate schedule.  As the weeks passed I became more and more determined to complete the full schedule and the odd ache in the knee or wobble in the ankle wasn’t going to stop me.  I ran through the pouring rain and even slogged away on the dreaded gym treadmill when it was too icy outside.  I tried to keep up a couple of climbing sessions and a yoga class or two each week for strength and flexibility as well and all in all it seemed to do the trick.

I’d aimed to stick to 10 minute miles and so come in with a time of around 2.10.  I crossed the finish line with an official time of 1.59.26.  To say I was happy with my time would be a huge understatement, so here is my race report.

My cousin Glen and I started the race running together.  The first couple of miles included a couple of very steep, but mercifully short hills and we got into our stride.  Then we hit the infamous Queensway.  Two miles of a slow and steady ascent.  It suddenly felt much harder, but we kept up the pace and even overtook a few runners.  This was also the longest part of the route without any crowds to cheer you along and it certainly made a difference.  A the 5 mile mark we hit the top of the hill and suddenly psychologically we were on top again.  We knew the toughest part was behind us and it was downhill (literally and metaphorically) from here.

I haven’t taken water with me on my long training runs and I decided not to mess with my habits for the race, so I gave the drinking stations a miss.  It was great to see my Aunt cheering us along outside the Conquest Hospital at around the 6 mile mark.

Just after 7 miles my cousin decided to ease off the pace a bit and so we separated for the rest of the course.  Around the 9 mile mark the course turns down a pretty steep hill (Harold Road).  Whilst I relief for the heart and lungs with was pretty tough on the knees.  I always try to ‘cruise’ downhill, but this was a bit steep for that.

I had expected to reach my low point around the 9 mile mark, as this is what happened at Windsor.  However, I still felt relatively fresh and the prospect of another 4 miles was not too disheartening.

Shortly after the 10 mile mark you turn onto the sea front and then it just those last 3 miles straight along to the finish line.  I think the hardest point for me was probably between the 11 and 12 mile markers.  Marker 12 seemed to take forever to appear and although I knew I was making good time, the finish line seemed to be getting further and further away!

The crowds lining the route for the final couple of miles were amazing.  It would have been easy to miss the 13 mile marker in the sea of people (if I hadn’t been looking out for it!) and I sprinted the last 0.1 of a mile to the finish line.  I was strangely excited to have my name read out on the PA system as I crossed the line!

It seems that the race itself is the easiest part of a half marathon.  The hard work was getting out of bed and pounding the road, towpaths and treadmills for the 12 weeks leading up to it.  Whilst the training obviously made a huge difference to my time, it also made the whole thing much more enjoyable.  There was no way I could have sprinted the last few hundred metres at Windsor in September and yet I felt positively energised at the end of this race.

I know it might be a bit cliched say so, but it really does convince me that if you set your mind to something, set reasonable goals and put the work in, you really can achieve what you want in life.  Now I just need to apply that to all the other parts of my life and I’ll be sorted.

So, what next? I ask myself?  Ideas on a postcard…(or in the comments box…)

Perhaps watching the film on the small screen with my washing machine churning away in the background wasn’t the best atmosphere – but I didn’t really feel all that moved by it at the time.   Perhaps it’s been overhyped, but even the violence didn’t shock me that much.  I found the film beautiful and I was drawn in by both the leading performances.

However (and perhaps this is the sign of a good film) I find that my thoughts keep being drawn back to it – later on yesterday evening and this morning.  I feel like I want to discuss it and I’ve been reading lots of reviews and analyses of what it is intended to mean.

Myself, I have no idea what the director, Lars Von Trier, meant it to mean.  (I loved his ‘Riget’ TV series and I’m sure my enjoyment was at least in part down to having no idea what it all meant).  However, I know what Antichrist seemed to be about for me – grief.

The main characters (He and She) lose their infant son in the prologue to the main acts of the film.  Their separate and shared grief leads to alarming and disturbing events.  Many of the reviews focus on the alleged misogyny and perhaps this is an important theme.  However, the explicit foregrounding of this ‘theme’ in the form of the female protagonist’s thesis on gynocide, was for me a distraction.  To condemn (or applaud) the film on such grounds seems to be missing so many of the points.  I guess good art speaks to different people differently and provokes different emotional responses depending on what you bring with you as a viewer.  For me it was all about grief and loss.

I didn’t view the Willem Defoe character as cold and unfeeling.  Rather he is a man forced to set his own grief aside in order to help the woman he loves (for me there is no doubt about the love between the two characters).

Death changes things.  The loss of a loved one changes, fundamentally and forever, the way you see and relate to the world.  Acceptance of that change is part of the grieving process.

The loss of their son is an experience exclusive to He and She and whilst they share the experience, dealing with it must ultimately destroy their relationship, themselves or both.  There are no villians in this film, only victims.  As the (speaking!) fox remarks – chaos reigns.