I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I think I want, or rather, what I thought I wanted, and what I thought would make me happy.
When I was studying for my MA, I looked up to the woman who taught the pragmatics component. I saw her as clever, successful and doing exactly what I wanted to do. I remember thinking how lucky she was, and that if I could end up doing that, I’d be so happy. I’d look at her job title of ‘Postdoctural Research Fellow’, and think how impressive it sounded.
I’m now teaching those courses. I don’t feel anywhere near as clever or successful as I would.
When I was around 13 or 14, I remember watching the film ‘Romancing the Stone’. I can clearly remember the scenes where Kathleen Turner’s character is in her Manhatten apartment. I remember thinking that one day I wanted to have my own apartment like that. I don’t know why that film, that character or that apartment stuck in my mind, but it did.
Two weeks ago I moved into my very own 2-bedroom flat in north London. It feels good, but I don’t feel anywhere as grown up, sophisticated or in control of my life, as the 13 year old me imagined I would.
So, it all makes me think about what we want, and what we think we want. Perhaps we need to think that these things will makes us happy, otherwise we’d just stagnate, and once we get them, we have to think that it’s something else that we need or want, to drive us on further. Or, is that just me? Do other people settle for less, or do they achieve their goals and feel happiness… or at least contentment?
April 4, 2011 at 6:55 am |
I’m approaching 40, I’ve got the 2 kids and the big house and the responsible job, and I keep thinking that at some point my bluff will be called. My inner teenager is still a very nervous, tentative part of me. i’m still a little baffled when people treat me as a responsible, authoritative adult.
I think it may be a generational thing. We not only draw on the influences of the past but, for the first time I think, we look at teenagers and partake of their culture; Playstations, movies like Kick Ass, Facebook, going to gigs. Maybe that has a regressive effect?
June 18, 2011 at 3:38 pm |
Well said! I reckon most of us feel the same about our lives… we never truely ‘grow up’ in our heads. Shame our bodies do though!